At this point, I truly and honestly believe that if I died, he wouldn’t care one bit. And that hurts so much. But maybe I deserve that.
And I feel so stupid and ridiculous typing all of this on here. It’s really pathetic. I just don’t have anyone to talk to that cares at all, no one to turn to. I feel so alone and I have to write this so at least its out of me, at least I’ve told myself how I feel and what I believe. Though this hurts just as much as keeping inside so I don’t really know what the point of this is…I hate whining. I hate being pathetic.
I needed him. I needed him so badly and I still do and I don’t understand why he couldn’t even try to be there for me. He didn’t even try. I wasn’t worth it. I’m nothing. I just need to wrap my head around it because that’s how everyone acts and if a person as good as him believes that now then it must be true.
Hey guys, just wanted to give you a quick update. I really don’t know why, seeing as the relationship between me and Jim is officially nonexistent, and these updates will probably stop very soon..
- Jim got a job (at least according to Facebook). I wanted to congratulate him but he doesn’t give a shit about me and doesn’t want me to text him so I didn’t.
- Jim’s dog died. You’ve all seen the pictures of Desi. Jim reached out to me and I was there for him as best I could be while Desi was sick at the end and when he passed I offered to take Jim out or bring him something but once Desi was gone, he was done needing me.
- I gave Jim his sweatshirt back weeks ago.
- I lost my job. Got fired to be exact. For being late. I’m such a fucking idiot. And when I reached out to Jim he literally didn’t even say anything close to “oh I’m so sorry that sucks”. He just said “well bosses don’t like late people” or some stupid uncaring thing like that. I was stupid to even think he’d be there for me but I literally have no one else. I literally had to reread the texts because I thought for sure he must have said he was sorry or something even remotely comforting, even a half-assed I’m sorry…there’s no way he was that heartless..but no, I wasn’t mistaken, he didn’t say anything like that at all.
- Jim is in a relationship (again, according to Facebook, but I hid him from my feed so I had to find out blindsided by someone I know).
- I’m all alone.
- I relapsed with the whole cutting thing and I’ve been suicidal off and on for the past 2 weeks.
- I’ve been cleaning my room and I keep finding cards that I bought to send to him for different little love notes and holidays, other little trinkets I bought for him just because they made me think of him..things I’ll never get to give him now. And oh yeah, all of the stuff from him..the gifts..I’ve finally got to box those up or something because it literally kills me to even look at them. It’s this awful heart wrenching feeling that makes me sick. I’m pathetic, I know.
That’s about it. Life sucks and I deserve it I guess. I’m just in so much pain emotionally with everything (even more is going on in the rest of my personal life as well) and I don’t have anyone who really cares. I’m so alone and I really don’t see the point in anything anymore. Happiness just isn’t in the cards for me. Doesn’t mean it can’t be for all of you guys though. I wish you all luck in your relationships, long distance or not.