It was kinda nice, you know, to be with someone who knew what they had when they had me. It was refreshing. So different from what I’ve always gravitated towards. In every single one of my relationships except for that one, I was constantly trying to prove myself. I was always trying to show the person I was with that they needed me, that I was special, that I could give them something no one else could. And in the end, I just ended up exhausted and hurt and unappreciated. But this last time, he was different. He thought he was lucky to be with me. And I threw that away. I got bored. I didn’t know what to do with myself because I was so used to having to continuously work at getting someone’s attention and affection. I didn’t know anything else.
And now, here I am, not even in an official relationship, but I’m back to the same old thing. Chasing after someone and living for someone else because I love them way too much. That can’t be healthy. But what if I can never survive in a healthy relationship? I had one, but I wasn’t happy. What if even if I get the chance to be with someone like that again…what if I just end up bored again? Am I doomed to make the same mistake over and over because I associate love with having to work so damn hard for a few seconds of affection here and there? I guess only time will tell…
Last night Jim tweeted that he’d been kicked in the head during his soccer game up in Washington. Then he tweeted that he had to go to the ER and ended up with a concussion. I tried not to care, but I couldn’t. I texted him and made sure that he was okay. Then this afternoon I called him to check up on him. We ended up talking for an hour and 14 minutes. Mostly about nothing. And everything. And how he’s going to visit his girlfriend on his way back to California, and his friends, and my life that I hate, and my drinking “problem” and my anxiety, I miss him. I’m really glad that he’s okay. This is hard and life is confusing. But I just need to focus on myself for right now I guess. Too bad that’s basically the thing I’m worst at in life. I’m a giver and a carer. I don’t do things for me, I do things for other people. Guess I need to learn sometime, right?
- Wade to Zoe on Hart of Dixie
“I came all this way to tell you that you saw more in me than I ever saw in myself and I was scared I couldn’t live up to that image. It was easier to just wreck it all, which I did. I know how much I hurt you”
Like, exactly what I want to say to Jim…almost exactly. Ugh.
And the other half, basically the offer I gave him last week that he turned down. Damn you irony…it’s like you have to keep me feeling the pain constantly.
He says he loves me, but that he’s not in love with her. And she’s not even going to be in Pullman anymore because she graduated, so it’ll be some kind of a LDR too…and then he plans to move back to CA after one more semester.
But he chose her. I begged for him back and he chose someone he claims to not love, over someone he claims to love.
I don’t understand.
I mean, I obviously screwed up big time. But still…to me, love over everything. Every time. Idk. Maybe that’s just me.
I’d give anything to have one of Jim’s forehead kisses right now..
I never really explained to you guys what happened with me and Jim. The thing is, the distance was really getting to us. He was super needy and I felt trapped. It got to the point where I would have an automatic anxiety attack when we would get on Skype to talk. We tried a lot of things. Talking less, saying things differently, taking a week break, etc. I was so confused and miserable. And I knew I was making him miserable because I wasn’t happy. So we mutually broke up in January. January 26th, 2013. I’ve been hanging around with my ex boyfriend Chris, and spending a lot of time with him since then. We drink a lot, and he’s a really fun guy. It was a good distraction. I didn’t have to think about things when I was with him. I could breathe and just chill. Jim didn’t react well to this at all, and it got to the point where I needed to tell him to back off because he was constantly making me feel guilty. (Which, yeah, I should have, and I did, and I do.) So Jim started hanging out with this girl up in Washington, but he told me there’s no one he wanted to date up there, that he couldn’t imagine ever getting over me, and that I was the one for him. I told him I felt the same way but right now wasn’t our right time.
Fast forward to a month ago.
April would’ve been 2 years for us. That was hard. I miss Jim, and I was beginning to talk to him more and try to see how we were with each other. Then two weeks ago, I knew I had to speak up, so I told him I still love him and that I don’t know where his head is at but in my head and my heart, we aren’t done, we aren’t over. I truly believe we will end up together. He didn’t say the same…he didn’t feel the same…I could tell he was slipping away. I didn’t understand…when he came home from spring break we went out a couple of times, and even had drunken sex. I kissed him goodbye, I didn’t want him to leave. And he felt the same…but not anymore. I don’t understand how in a month, he’s just done. I’ve been sending him pictures of things during the day, starting conversations, and trying really hard…but this girl…she got a hold of him.
We had a deal: If our feelings changed, or if we were even thinking of becoming serious with another person, we would tell each other and talk about it. Apparently that didn’t matter anymore to Jim because I had to ask to find out that he and this girl are now a couple. Despite the fact that I told him I’d cooled things off with Chris, that we were never a couple, and that I miss him. I was so hurt. I was pissed. My anxiety went through the roof. What happened to telling me? What happened to letting me know his feelings had changed? What happened to waiting? I didn’t react maturely. I drank, and took my anxiety pills to try to numb the pain but it didn’t even help. I handled it badly. But what he did…he let his new girlfriend’s friends take his phone, read my messages, and respond to me. How dare he. I have never, ever felt so violated. How humiliating I cried so hard last night that I threw up.
Now I’m depressed and having constant anxiety attacks. I barely slept. And to top it all off, I’m on a stupid family vacation. I’m in so much pain. I want to cut (I used to in high school). I want to take more pills than I should just so I don’t have to feel anything. I need to be numb because I can’t deal with this. It doesn’t make sense.
I’m so confused…this isn’t the Jim I know. This isn’t my Jim. I know I was stupid and selfish and confused…but I had honestly hoped that we would both use the breakup as time to work hard on ourselves. Me to sort my shit out and work on my anxiety, and him to man up and become a little more independent. Instead, we went and got himself a girlfriend. He was supposed to fight for me. He was supposed to want to become better to make us work. Of all the people I’ve dated, I really thought he would be the one to do that. But he didn’t. I’m not worth that. I fucked up and he’s done with me. I fucked up and lost the only person who would ever put up with me, who would ever love me the way he did. I fucked up and ruined everything.
I don’t know what to do.
Cuddling with these two before Jim heads back to Washington 💙 #love #boyfriend #longdistance #ldr
Boyfriend made me dinner tonight! ❤ @jimcobb25 #yum #boyfriend #romance
I’m gonna miss him when he leaves tomorrow. @jimcobb25 #love #ldr